


Maybe We Were Meant to Fall

by silentwriterx



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Betrayal, Depression, M/M, Self Harm, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Teenagers, Yikes, im such an angsty person its all i can wRITE, it will have a happy ending i think maybe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-05-27 04:37:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6269911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentwriterx/pseuds/silentwriterx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan's name was expected to be the one inked on Phil's wrist, but what if it's not?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> i literally found this half an hour ago and it's from like 6 months ago and my writing has most likely improved but i also kind of liked this and i'm always for that good angst you know? so here we go it will eventually have a second part hopefully but yeah this is for not updating my chaptered fic (irresistible (^;) for over a month and i also promised a one shot a while back soooooo!
> 
> i also barely proof read this and didn't add anything but like one word so it's lacking

Everyone knew that discovering their soulmate was the most important day of their life. That torturous but exhilarating moment when the inky black name blossoms on their wrist, basically determining their future, who they’ll love and spend the rest of their lives with. At least, that’s how it was supposed to be, and no one ever really went against it. When two people who didn’t have matching names believed they were in love, it was frowned upon. They were ridiculed because, well, who in their right mind would go against the universe itself? 

It was always miserable when the person someone thought they were going to spend the rest of their life with wasn’t their soulmate. Most people forced themselves to get over it, though, because they knew there was someone out there for them. It was as if no one actually had feelings, and the name on their wrist controlled them. They were blinded by the craving for love and acceptance, and security, that no one bothered to even question whose name was scrawled on their body.

Dan and Phil were in love. They had been for three years, and they’d been friends for even longer, but Phil was almost eighteen, which meant he would be getting his name soon. Neither of them had really worried about it, as they were both positive that Dan’s name would be the one to appear on the pale, thin skin. Phil was looking forward to having the six letters permanently inked on his right wrist. January 30th couldn’t come soon enough.

\---

It was two hours before midnight, two hours before Phil turned eighteen, and two hours before Dan would receive news that would make or break his life.

They were cuddled on Phil’s bed, under the green and blue duvet. Their legs were tangled in a jumble of long limbs, hands knitted tightly together, and Dan’s head lay on Phil’s chest. Phil was running his free hand through Dan’s thick, curly locks atop his head, and their eyes were sharing a glance that might have been too long if it was anyone else, but because it was them, it was perfect, and in fact, not long enough.

Dan sighed, his dimple popping out, eyes crinkling. “I’m so excited, Phil. This is it,” Dan whispered, running the hand that wasn’t holding Phil’s down the taller boy’s chest.

Phil beamed down at the boy, but there was something nagging him in his mind. What if it wasn’t Dan? Everyone always said that when you met your soulmate, there were sparks and it felt like fireworks were going off, and of course it had felt like that with Dan, but as time ticked closer and closer, Phil was truly concerned. He hadn’t doubted their love once, heck, he still doesn’t, but that doesn’t change a thing.

Phil let out a long breath, breaking eye contact with the younger boy. “I’m scared, Dan,” he whispered.

Phil felt Dan’s fingers halt on his chest. “Why would you be scared, Phil? We’ve been waiting for this moment for three years, you know that. This means so much to both of us,” the soft voice floated up to Phil, calming his nerves slightly, but not enough.

The raven haired boy groaned, moving Dan off of his side, and sat up against the headboard. He motioned for Dan to sit on his lap, and Dan eagerly crawled up and plopped himself down on Phil’s thighs.

“Phil, no matter what happens, you won’t leave, will you? I just- I know what we feel is real, and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you,” Dan continued, wrapping his lanky arms around Phil’s neck.

Phil peeked an eye open, smiling at Dan’s worried face.”Of course I won’t leave, Bear, I love you. But- It’s just what would everyone else think?” he replied, lifting a hand and smoothing out the crease between Dan’s eyebrows.

“Well, we won’t have to worry about that, because you and I both know that my name is going to be there. We’ve been sure of that since the beginning.” Dan leaned in and kissed Phil lightly on the lips, then jumped off of his lap and stood up. “Now, why don’t we play some video games to pass the time, yeah? We still have a good hour and a half.”

\---

It was one minute to midnight, and the two boys were sitting criss cross across from one another on the beige carpet. Phil was anxiously rubbing his thumb up and down his right wrist, and Dan had his hand placed on the older boys knee for reassurance. 

The whole thing was a lot more real right then, and the anxiety was building up in both of them.

Dan was feeling a lot of different emotions right then, but the strongest one definitely had to be worry. It had crossed his mind a couple of times that he may not be Phil’s soulmate, but he knew he was probably being ridiculous.

“Ten seconds,” Dan whispered, looking down at his the timer on his iPhone, which was set on the floor beside him.

Originally, they had planned to count down from ten together, but it seemed as though the seriousness of the situation had gotten the best of them, as they were both silent.

3…

2…

1…

The marimba ringtone went off, and both boys stared in amazement as the blood below Phil’s skin began to swirl, long lines and elegant curves forming quickly, turning an inky black. It was an immediate reaction.

Although, there were too many shapes, Dan observed. His name consisted of six letters, D A N I E L, and there were more than six shapes. His eyebrows knitted together in confusion, and his hands started shaking as a name began to form.

‘Kendrick’ was written in graceful font, and at that moment, all Dan could do was stare in shock. He looked up at Phil, who was staring confusedly at his wrist. The older boy wasn’t entirely upset, it seemed. He had a glint in his eyes, one he usually only got looking at Dan. A glowing film covered Phil’s sea-blue eyes, masking the boy Dan knew and loved.

Dan removed his hand that was still placed on Phil’s knee, his whole body shaking like a leaf. He clumsily stood up, tripping over his own feet more than once. “Ph- Phil, you- please, you’ll stay, w- won’t you? Why are you looking at it like that?” Dan said, his voice raspy.

Slowly, Phil’s now gray eyes met Dan’s dark brown ones. “Dan, I- I was sure- I can’t just abandoned someone, Bear, I- it’s not fair, and I-”

Dan cut Phil off with a loud, choked sob. He pointed an accusatory finger at Phil, and began stumbling backwards towards Phil’s door. “Don’t ‘B- Bear’ me, Phil. You- We promised, that n-no matter what h- happened we’d stay t- together!” he cried, tears beginning to pour down his face. He turned around, grabbing his bag from where it was placed on the floor, and made his way to the door.

Phil, obviously, was in shock, but he still managed to shoot up from his criss cross position. “Dan, Bear, please, you know how this stuff works! I’ll get judged a-and hurt, physically and verbally, I can’t take that! Obviously, we weren’t going to last forever!” Phil shouted, glad his parents were out for the week. 

This was the statement that had ultimately broken Dan. Phil had always been a kind person, he was always taking other people’s feelings into account before his own. It was a great quality of course, but also one of his biggest flaws. At that moment, all Phil was focused on was making this Kendrick boy happy, and it seemed as if his and Dan’s relationship was worth nothing.

Dan’s bottom lip quivered, but he was more than upset. He was furious, embarrassed, hurt, and so many other things. He couldn’t believe the turn of events, considering not even two hours ago Phil was saying he’d stay forever. “You know w- what, Phil? Fuck you! You’re j- just like everybody else in this d- damned world! All you c- care about is your image, and someone you haven’t even met! We dated f- for three years, Phil! th- three years!” At this point, Dan was screaming. He’d had enough, and he felt so betrayed and broken at that moment, he didn’t feel his usual drive for living.

As Dan fumed, Phil stood across from him getting more and more angry. He couldn’t believe the way the younger boy was overreacting. “You’re such a child, Daniel! Just- Get out of my house!” he shrieked. Phil was breathing heavily, and his forehead was dripping with sweat.

Dan froze, his breath halting for half a second. It felt as if he’d been hit with multiple trucks, his body suddenly feeling ten times heavier than before. Dan bit his bottom lip, hard, and nodded silently. Holding tightly on to his backpack strap, he turned around and made his way out of Phil’s bedroom, and then his house.

It was half past midnight, and Dan was alone.

\---


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry for not updating this in literally MONTHS, i just haven't been able to properly write this because it's actually 10x more morbid than anything else i've ever written sooooooo
> 
> i've decided to split it into 3 parts instead of just 2 (more waiting yay!!!) but it's going to be better that way i promise
> 
> also i wrote half of this like a month after i posted the first part, and i for sure didn't go back to edit it soosososos
> 
> HUGE TW for self-harm, theres a vvvvvv descriptive scene. it's marked with little asterisks (***) before and after. stay safe my friendos.

“Hello, welcome to ‘Poppie’s Petals’, how may I help you?” an empty voice drawled when Phil entered the run down flower shop that resided a few blocks away from his house. The bell that chimed when he entered was a bit too high-pitched, and the building smelt faintly of weed killer, but the arrangements seemed rather beautiful.

Phil sent a look to the front desk, where a smiling, lanky blonde haired man took residence. He was gorgeous and Phil was immediately attracted to him. Although, despite the smile on his face, Phil could tell he’d rather be anywhere but there. 

“I was actually hoping you’d be able to help with that,” Phil said sheepishly as he made his way up front. He gave the man a cheery smile and placed his palms on the desk. “Shamefully enough, I don’t really know a lot about flowers.”

The man grinned at him, and a faint blush began creeping up his neck. “Well, what are you looking for?” he asked, his voice a bit more lively than it was moments before.

“I wanted an arrangement that basically says ‘please forgive me because I did a really horrible thing and I really regret it but also I’m kind of not that sorry because it’s how life goes’?” Phil said, his voice taking a higher pitch at the end, signalling the embarrassment he definitely felt.

The employee nodded and giggled, standing up from his seat and walking around his desk. “If it isn’t too personal, I’d love to hear the story behind that someday,” he mused.

Phil followed the man across the store, scratching the nape of his neck awkwardly. He chuckled nervously. “It’s actually rather disappointing, so I’m not really sure about that,” he replied, his voice holding mounds of regret.

The light haired man frowned slightly at that, narrowing his eyes at a bunch of wilting flowers they passed. “M’ sorry to hear that,” he murmured, shooting a sympathetic look at Phil. He stopped in front of a display of lilies, smiling at them.

“Here we have the ‘Lily of the Valley’, which symbolizes the return to happiness after a regretful time, basically. I reckon these paired with some yellow roses, which mean innocence and friendship, should work perfectly for you,” he explained, plucking some brightly looking lilies from the bunch.

Phil nodded in approval, gazing in admiration at the small drooping flowers. They were indeed beautiful. He gazed around the shop, searching for the yellow roses. The only yellow flowers in sight were some sad looking tulips, the tips a light shade of brown. “Where are the yellow roses?” Phil asked curiously, furrowing his eyebrows.

The other man smiled at Phil in reassurance, nodding his head towards the back door. “They’re on the bush out back. Would you like assist me in picking some out?” he asked, beckoning Phil back towards the front desk. He set the lilies in one of the vases sitting on the surface and brushed his hands off on his apron.

Phil grinned, nodding his head eagerly. “I’d love to, thanks,” he said. 

Returning the smile, the employee gestured for Phil to follow him. They made their way to the back of the shop and out the metal door, the brisk London wind pricking at their skin.

Phil immediately spotted a wide variety of flower bushes lining each fence and creating rows in between. It was ten times more beautiful than the inside of the shop, and the welcoming feeling was almost overwhelming.

The two men stopped in front of a huge yellow rose bush, and the lankier of the two pushed up his sleeves before grabbing a pair of clippers that was set on the ground. He turned to Phil with a shy smile on his face. 

“See any in particular that catch your eye?” he asked gently, raising a messy eyebrow.

But Phil wasn’t aware of the words escaping the other man’s mouth. He was instead focus on the six letters scrawled on the others wrist. His eyebrows furrowed together once more, his mouth falling agape. It couldn’t be.

“Hey, you alright?” he asked, looking at Phil with concern. His own icy eyes dropped down to where Phil was staring, a blush taking over his cheeks and neck.

Phil’s head snapped up and he stared into the light grey eyes, sparks erupting in his chest. “What’s your name?” he whispered. His left hand was clumsily pushing up his right sleeve, a certain urgency in his movements.

“I- it’s Kendrick, why do you-” he began, but was cut off by Phil tackling him into a tight hug. He stumbled back in shock, but wrapped his skinny arms around the taller boy nonetheless. 

Phil breathed heavily against the other’s neck, chuckling softly. “Mine’s Philip, but I prefer Phil,” he muttered, grasping the back of Kendrick’s shirt in fists.

Kendrick immediately tightened his hold around Phil, burying his head into the crook between Phil’s neck and shoulder. “I can’t believe it. I finally found you after three years,” he gasped, choking on the last few words. Hot tears ran down his cheeks as he took in the sweet smell of the younger boy.

Phil let out a loud giggle, pulling back from the hug but still keeping his arms around his newfound soulmate. “Forget the flowers, when does your shift end?”

\---

Dan had been locked up in his room for the past three days crying. He’d skipped school Monday and Tuesday and stayed in bed all day Sunday (from the time he got home from Phil’s at one thirty in the morning until seven thirty when he finally admitted to being slightly hungry).

The tears had stopped for short periods of time before coming back full force, along with the snot and loud sobs and painful hiccups. He’d yet to tell any member of his family what had happened, but he also figured they were smart enough to work it out.

His mental state had gotten, well, horrible. Phil had always been what kept him grounded when he went through the periods of self hate and depression, talking him up and comforting him when he wanted to cope in unhealthy ways. For the most part, the physical and mental scars had been fading in the past year, but after the events of Phil’s eighteenth birthday, both had come back full force. The perks of having an ensuite bathroom, Dan supposed.

His antidepressants that he was instructed to take daily hadn’t been touched. When Dan was upset, he always craved to be at the lowest point he could manage. He’d been getting better at taking his pills without complaint, simply because the happy days were becoming more frequent. Obviously that wouldn’t be the case anymore.

The insistent raps on his door had ceased after the first day of him screaming to be left alone, and Dan just assumed it would stay that way until he finally had the courage to show his face around other humans again. Like usual, he was wrong.

It was seven in the morning on Wednesday, and Dan (who hadn’t been able to sleep much at all the previous night) was sat up against his headboard chewing on his lip until it bled and crying. It surely wasn’t expected when harsh knocks sounded through his bedroom, ones that definitely didn’t belong to his mum, dad, or younger brother.

“Go away,” he mumbled half heartedly, probably not even loud enough for whoever was on the other side of the door to hear. The knocks simply continued, stubborn sounds reverberating against Dan’s eardrums.

“Fucking Hell,” Dan groaned, rolling over to the other side of his bed where he tossed his jumper at some point during the night. He shrugged the dark cotton sweater on, making sure the sleeves were pulled down and grasped in his palms. He shakily got off of his bed, stumbling a bit from the lack of walking he’d done in the past few days. Dan treaded over to his door, unlocking it with a trembling hand and pulling it open.

Dan’s friend PJ was stood on the other side, a concerned look etched into his face. His hoodie clad shoulders sagged in relief at the sight of the short boy, and he immediately threw his arms around Dan’s neck. “You asshole, I’ve been so worried,” he muttered, squeezing Dan tight.

Dan awkwardly wrapped his arms around PJ in return, nuzzling his head into the taller boy’s chest. He breathed in the scent of strawberries and vanilla, the smell that was always present in PJ’s house and had stuck to his body since the third grade. It was oddly comforting, knowing at least something in Dan’s life was constant.

PJ pulled back slightly and smiled sadly at Dan, wiping away one of the tears that was trailing sadly down the younger’s face. “I, uh, know what happened,” he whispered to Dan, looking down at his feet. “Seems as if he’s found the guy, already.”

Dan’s lower lip pulled down into a pout automatically, and his eyes were burning again. He didn’t want to hear about it. “Good for him,” he muttered venomously, stepping back from PJ’s loose hug. He crossed his arms across his chest and sniffled loudly.

PJ sighed, shoving a hand through his curls. “Dan, you need to go to school. It’s your last year and then you can leave this place forever,” PJ said, not realizing how his words sounded to Dan, who was planning on leaving much, much sooner than the end of the school year.

Leaning against the wall, Dan shook his head at his friend. “I just need this week, PJ. I can’t- it’ll kill me to see him right now,” he whispered, training his gaze on the ground. 

“I know it hurts, Dan, but you can’t-” 

“What do you know? You’ve already found your soulmate!” Dan shouted suddenly, gesturing widely with his arms. “And it was exactly who you wanted it to be!”

PJ gaped. Dan was always pretty calm and level headed, so it was odd to see him in such a state. “I- don’t bring Sophie into this, Dan,” PJ practically growled.

Dan scoffed, narrowing his eyes at his friend. “If I can’t bring Sophie into this, then you leave Phil out of it,” he replied in an equally venomous voice. “You’d feel the same fucking way if the situation was switched!”

PJ glowered at Dan, raising an eyebrow challengingly. An emotion flashed through his eyes, one that unnerved Dan to the core. “Too bad it will never be switched, because unlike you and Phil, Sophie actually happens to be my soulmate,” he spat out, and if looks could kill, Dan would be six feet under.

Dan’s heart felt as though it stopped, and suddenly tears were clouding his eyes and his wrists were burning. “Get out of my house,” he croaked, pointing a shaky finger towards the stairs. He took a step towards the taller boy and shoved him weakly. “And don’t bother trying to convince me to come to school, because I won’t,” he growled. 

PJ’s green eyes had widened to the size of saucers. Regret was flooding through his face. “Dan, I’m sorry, I-”

“Don’t,” Dan snapped in response. “If you didn’t mean it you wouldn’t have said it,” he whispered toxically, backing towards his room. “I- I don’t want t- to hear it.”

It seemed as though PJ didn’t know how to reply, as he just nodded in fear and bolted, the sound of his footsteps quick and loud on the stairs. The slam of his front door practically shook the house. Dan had assumed his family had left already, considering no one had bothered to check on him when yelling was echoing and bouncing against the walls.

***

The insistent burning of his tender wrists drove Dan into his room, slamming the door and   
stumbling into his bathroom. He hastily shucked his sweater off and threw it onto the counter before flicking the tap on in his shower. His pajama pants soon followed his jumper, along with his boxers, and (not) soon enough he was stepping into the scalding water, sliding down the wall until he was firmly sat on the ground. Dan’s now trembling hands reached over and knocked his shampoo bottle down, shakily picking up the thin blade that sat behind it. 

He didn’t even notice the tears leaking out of his swollen eyes, or the absolutely scorching water pelting the left side of his body as he brought the piece of metal up to his right arm, digging the sharp object into a gathering of fading scars, right where the name of his soulmate would be once he turned eighteen. Blood immediately mixed with water, fading into a rather rusty color and slinking down Dan’s body. 

The stinging pain was so comforting, filling his chest with a rush of adrenaline. It only drove him to make more slits in the thin skin, each one a little deeper than the one before. The dark red liquid streaming out of the plethora of slashes intermingled, covering Dan’s right leg in a sheet of blood and-

Dan’s gaze froze on his thigh, a sick smile surfacing on his damp and flushed face. He lowered his bleeding and throbbing right arm, resting it on the thin leg below it. His satisfied gaze fluttered over the mangled limb before training itself right back on the clean, milky pale slate of his upper left leg. Almost automatically, there was metal sinking into the more dense flesh, resulting in an almost surprised gasp from Dan’s throat. The sensation was completely different than that of a blade cutting into his arm: it was liberating, causing actual real feeling to spike through Dan’s entire body for the first time in days.

Why hadn’t he done this before?

Soon enough there were even more deep cuts in both of his thighs, and he was more dizzy than he had ever been in his entire life. The amount of blood flooding the tub would have bothered him had he not felt so incredibly alive.

After leaning his head back against the tiles for a few minutes, Dan pried his heavy-lidded eyes open once again, gazing over what could have been mistaken as a murder scene with copious amounts of pride in his eyes. The amount of gashes adorning his body brought another crazed smile to his face, and soon he was laughing maniacally, bubbly giggles and chuckles and full on cackling cracking through his strained throat. The hot water had turned lukewarm, but Dan was on fire: his head was throbbing, his heart beating a little too slowly, and his breaths (which were more resemblant of gasps at this point) were thick and suffocating. 

But somehow, Dan had never felt happier than he did when he finally fell limp in the tub, black dots in his vision turning into complete darkness and his mad laughter fading into quiet sobs.

***  
\---

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading drop a kudos if ya like, maybe i'll not update my chaptered fic for a month again and be forced to write a second part to this! 
> 
> (all jokes, i'm not waiting a month for irresistible i like writing that too much)


End file.
